I've Been Broken Hearted
by Halawen
Summary: Another breakup with Eli and Clare is broken hearted, her heart break leads her to the park and someone she hasn't seen in a long time. Fitz has lived a while life in that year and he's also been broken hearted but together they can heal. A/U one shot takes place just after Ray of Light pt. 2.
1. I've Been Broken Hearted

**Welcome to my one shot.**

**Legal: I do not own DeGrassi.**

**This one shot is A/U and takes place the afternoon of Ray of Light pt.2 after Eli breaks up with Clare.**

**Everything is in Clare's pov.**

**The rest you will learn as you read so enjoy!**

**Thanks to Meghan for choosing the baby names and letting me use her.**

**I've Been Broken Hearted**

I left school as soon as the bell rang after my last class, I had no desire to be there or be anywhere near Eli. I walked to the park and managed to stop crying by the time I got there, there's no playground at this park so there aren't many kids. I sit under a tree and just sort of watch everyone and that's when I see him, Fitz sitting just a few yards away under the partial shade of a tree. I haven't seen him in a long time, not since he was at my house that day, he stopped working at the Dot after that but I'm guessing he got a new job. I thought about trying to find him a few times but there was so much going on in my life the thought just kept getting pushed to the back of my mind. But now he's here at this very park that I walked to, only he's not alone. He's not with a girl, not exactly anyway, he's on a blanket with two small babies, they must be about two months or so. One is in blue and one in pink so I would surmise one is a boy and one is a girl. He's facing slightly away from me but I can tell that it's him, I walk over and he looks up at me when I cast a shadow on his blanket.

"Clare?" Fitz asks looking up at me.

"Hey can I join you?" I ask.

"Yeah please do," he smiles moving his leg so I can sit down.

"They're beautiful babies," I say looking at the girl jerking her body on the blanket as she learns to move. "Umm who's are they?"

"Mine," Fitz tells me and I look at him in complete shock, my mouth hanging open and Fitz closes it for me. "Clare this is Starr Rebekah and Jayson Gabriel Fitzgerald, my twins," Fitz informs me.

"You have kids? But when? How? I haven't seen you in a year but I thought you were still going church, a Christian, did you…I mean…" I stumble over what to say but I just found out Fitz is a father! I look at his hand and notice he's wearing a wedding ring.

"I'm still Christian and I still attend church, actually that's where I met my wife Meghan," he says with a soft smile.

"So you are married?" I ask and realize it's a stupid question.

"Widowed, she died during childbirth," Fitz explains and he looks overcome by grief as the memory comes over him. He looks away and I see him wiping away tears, I put my hand on his and squeeze gently. It's a small gesture of comfort but the only one I have just now.

Jayson rolls over toward his father, sensing that his father is sad and Fitz smiles picking up his son and beaming at him with pride. I pick up Starr and cradle her in my lap, she coos and makes herself comfortable, gripping my shirt in her hand and I see Fitz smile as he watches this.

"Please tell me Fitz I'd like to know about Meghan," I encourage him.

"Like I said we met at church, I'd seen her there before but after I left your house that day, I'm sorry for that by the way," he apologizes looking me in the eye.

"That's okay," I reply with a smile.

"Anyway it was after that I realized I had to let you go, whether or not you belonged with Eli it was your life and I had no place in it, not at that time at least and I needed to find my own path. One of the men at the church gave me a job as a front desk clerk at the Town Inn where he's a manager. It's a good job and pays better than the Dot. I was able to get a better apartment and I started dating Meghan, our relationship was…fast I guess. We fell in love, we found each other, we needed each other really and God brought us together. Meghan's family died when she was young, in a car crash she doesn't remember, she was put into foster care. She got bounced around between homes for several years, one was abusive, others were nice but she was never in one home for more than a couple of years. Her family had been Christian and while most of her foster families were not she never lost her faith, not even after all she'd been through. When we started dating she was with a foster family she'd only been with for a few months, they weren't abusive but they were neglectful. Meghan longed for the sense of family she hadn't had since she was little, and I did too and we found each other. I asked her to marry me after only a month and she said yes, we were married the following Sunday at church in front of everyone. Our wedding night was her first time and she became pregnant with our twins. My job supported us since she was still in school but the pregnancy was difficult and they put her on bed rest during the last trimester. She went into labor at 34 weeks and she was too weak, her body couldn't take it and she passed away."

He stops talking as he begins to cry, holding his son sleeping in his lap and he strokes his son's head.

"I'm so sorry Fitz," I tell him putting my hand on his arm.

"It's okay, I'm sorry that I lost her but God wanted her back. I was given the gift of true love, and I was given these two miracles. Meghan lives on through them and my memories of her. I get a lot of help from the church, there's a group of women that take turns watching the twins while I'm at work. They cook for me and run errands, even with all the help I have it's still hard and I don't know how I'd get by without them. Today is my day off and I wanted to bring them to the park for some fresh air and sunshine and you were here," Fitz grins.

"Yeah it's been a long time since I've been to the park but I had to get away today, needed to think and be away from everyone," I say looking down at Starr sleeping in my lap, still gripping tight to my shirt.

"I should get them home, they'll need to eat soon and start their bed time routines. Would you come with me? I'd like to hear about your life for the past year," Fitz requests.

"Sure I'd be happy to," I smile.

Fitz grins back and reaches over grabbing the baby's carriers, he puts in Jayson and I put in Starr then follow him to his car. We secure them into their car seat bases and I get in the passenger seat, Fitz drives to his apartment building. He grabs the diaper bag and Jason's carrier and I get Starr's then follow him up to his apartment. It's modest but nice; I can see the touch of a woman in the decorations for sure. The door opens to a small galley style kitchen that looks out to a combined living room and dining area. One small round table with two chairs and two high chairs is in the dining space. The living room is framed by a light blue sofa that faces the window which looks out to the street, a TV blocking a portion of the window. To the left of the sofa, near what appears to be the closet and the washroom, are two baby swings. To the right of the sofa are two bedrooms, the wall between the bedrooms is lined with shelves, the shelves are lined by photos and trinkets. The center of which is a wedding photo of Fitz and Meghan, he's in a suit and she's in a white dress that has short lace sleeves. Fitz holds her around the waist from behind, her hands rest on his and they're both smiling so wide it practically stretches off their faces. There are other wedding pictures surrounding this one, there are many pictures of Meghan and a couple candles surrounding one portrait of her as a sort of shrine. There are a couple of pictures of Jayson and Starr near the pictures of Meghan.

"We can put them on the floor while I heat their bottles, do you mind feeding Starr? She obviously likes you," Fitz says locking the front door as I'm still looking around the apartment.

"I'd be happy to feed her, she's very sweet," I smile.

"Thanks, I'll grab their blanket," he smiles setting down Jayson's carrier.

Fitz goes to a large wicker chest behind the sofa and pulls out a large colorful blanket. He lays out the blanket behind the sofa and takes Jayson from his carrier laying him on his back on the blanket. I do the same with Starr, laying her a few feet from her brother and Fitz goes into what is very obviously the twin's room. He comes back out with two toys that straddle over the twins, they have pictures and soft toys hanging down that the twins can bat at and grab. I follow Fitz into the kitchen leaning on the counter as he heats the bottles, every few seconds I glance back at the twins but they are playing with their toys and kicking around. He tests the bottles and then places them on the side table by the sofa, then we go to the blanket picking up Jayson and Starr. Fitz sits on one end and I sit on the other, cradling Starr and feeding her while he does the same with Jayson. I watch them eat, and watch Fitz with his children.

"Let's put them in the swings," Fitz says when they're done eating and I get Starr in the swing. "Are you hungry? I have lasagna and a couple different kinds of casserole," Fitz offers.

"Yeah I actually am hungry, I didn't eat lunch and I guess it is about dinner time," I reply.

"I'll heat up the lasagna, Mrs. Sands makes a great lasagna," he smiles. He starts the oven and offers me something to drink; I take a glass of water. When the lasagna's in we sit back on the sofa while waiting for dinner. "So what's happened for Clare Edwards in the last year?" Fitz asks.

"You sure want to hear this? There's a lot," I reply.

"Yes I'm sure, I want to hear everything," Fitz replies.

For the next three hours I just pour my heart out to Fitz. I talk about Eli crashing his car, Jake, our parents wedding and our breakup, Adam getting shot, getting back together with Eli, everything that happened with Asher and finally my breakup with Eli today. We've eaten, cleaned up and put the twins to bed all while I was talking. I didn't realize how much I truly needed to get out, how much was still weighing on me needing to be cathartically released without interruption. It's not that I haven't expressed these things before but when I have I'm always interrupted by someone else's feelings on the matter. Not with Fitz however, he reacts but it's subtle, done silently with facial expressions and gestures like his hand coming to my shoulder or back, even as much as making a fist when I talk about Asher but he doesn't speak. He waits until I've finished to even utter a word.

"I'm sorry you went through all that, and Asher never got charged?" Fitz asks.

"They're still investigating but he probably won't be charged, there just isn't enough evidence," I reply and look at the clock in the kitchen. "Oh gosh it's after nine I've been talking for so long and you have work in the morning, I have school and I should probably go. I'll call Jake and have him pick me up, thanks for having me and listening to all of that, I feel like I just spilled out so much baggage on you and you have so much of your own," I apologize.

"Not baggage Clare life experience and I liked listening to you talk, I always have," Fitz replies.

"That's sweet Mark and I enjoyed this a lot but I should probably go," I say and he laughs a little. "What?"

"You called me Mark," he says.

"Sorry I didn't mean to it just sort of slipped out," I apologize.

"It's okay, Meghan always called me Mark, she refused to ever call me Fitz and would only call me Mark. I hated hearing my name from everyone but Meghan made it sound nice, I loved hearing it from her. The way you say my name it reminds me of the way she would say it," he smiles and I smile too.

"I really should go Mark; I'll have Jake pick me up. It was good to see you and meet your beautiful children," I tell him pulling my cell phone from my purse.

"Wait would you come to dinner tomorrow night? I'll cook and I'm sure one of the ladies from church will watch the twins for a few hours. Say seven and I can pick you up if you need me to," he almost pleas.

I did have fun today and talking with him was nice, I have to admit that I am feel something, some sort of connection. I always knew there was a sweet side to Fitz but seeing him as a caring hardworking father and a widowed husband shows me Fitz in a whole new light. I also admit that there is a definite attraction, I've always been a little attracted to Fitz but when he was a bully I was too afraid of his dangerous side. When he got out of juvie I was too afraid of losing Eli, but now he doesn't have a dangerous side and Eli and I are through, for good this time.

"Okay tomorrow night at seven but I can borrow Jake's truck you don't need to pick me up," I smile and call Jake on my cell.

"Yeah?" Jake answers.

"I need a ride home," I tell him.

"You get drunk or something after the breakup this morning?" Jake questions.

"No I'm…at a friend's house," I respond huffing with slight annoyance and give Jake the address of Fitz's apartment building. "Jake will be here in a few minutes," I tell Fitz.

"So what would you like to eat tomorrow night? I can cook pretty much anything," he says.

"I'll let you decide, I trust you Fi…Mark, I trust you Mark," I tell him and he smiles so sweetly when I call him by his first name.

We talk for a few more minutes until Jake calls my cell to tell me he's downstairs. I say goodnight to Mark and he says he'll see me tomorrow night; I go downstairs and get in Jake's truck.

"Who lives here this isn't our neighborhood," Jake comments as he starts driving us home.

"Mark," I answer.

Jake furrows his brow as he tries to think of who Mark might be but he can't think of one and he doesn't ask any further. I didn't think he would. When we get home Mom tells me she's sorry about Eli but I can do better and Glen simply smiles at me. I just smile and go up to my room, I do my homework, shower and go to bed and all the while I can't get my mind off of Mark. I wake up happy and while I don't remember my dream I know that Mark was in it. I get ready for school and Jake drives us, he's already eaten at home but heads straight to the caf when he gets there while I head to my locker.

"You're unusually chipper post Eli breakup? Wait did you finally snap? Should I call the men with white coats?" Adam jokes coming next to me.

"No Adam I didn't snap I just had a really good afternoon and evening yesterday," I reply.

"Great so what's your secret because you ran out of school in tears before I could stop you yesterday," Adam comments.

"Mark," I reply closing my locker and walking down the hall.

"Mark?" Adam questions still standing at my locker. "Hold it!" He calls running over, getting in front of me and grabbing my arms. "Mark as in Fitz?"

"Yes," I nod.

"Clare are you insane?" Adam exclaims.

"Adam he is not the same guy that went to school here," I say with a censuring tone.

"Yes I know that, he's not a bully anymore and he found God but he still cyberstalked you and showed up at your house one rainy afternoon," Adam reminds me.

Owen, Drew and Bianca happen to be down the hall with Dallas. Drew, Bianca and Owen all look over at us but Dallas has no idea who we're talking about.

"I know Adam but he's not even that guy anymore, he's a man now, he's mature and responsible. I saw him at the park and went to his apartment and w…"

"You what?" Adam interrupts me as our three eavesdroppers move a little closer and Dallas follows them. "You went to his apartment alone?"

"Adam we didn't do anything but eat dinner and talk will you relax," I admonish.

"You had dinner with Fitz in his apartment last night?" Owen questions butting in and catching up with the conversation.

"I'm guessing you two haven't seen much of him in the last year," I remark and Owen and Bianca look away with ashamed expressions. "He's not the bully from the ravine any longer, he was married, his wife died in childbirth and now he's a single father with twins," I inform them all.

"That doesn't exactly make the fact that you're rebounding with him any better," Drew interjects.

"I'm not rebounding with him we had dinner, we caught up and talked it was nice and that's all we did," I assert as the bell rings.

I walk off to class leaving them behind, but while confidant in my decision to have a dinner date with Mark tonight I'm starting to have my doubts. Eli broke my heart and the very same day I run into Mark, he made me feel good but maybe it was just that Eli made me feel so bad. Maybe my broken heart is just looking for mending. And what about Mark? He lost his wife not that long ago, a couple months ago maybe three. He's got twins, children are a huge responsibility and even a dinner with Mark could mean so much more to him than to me. Mark isn't going to casually date or want a high school girl friend that will be going away to college in a year. Mark needs commitment like real commitment, doesn't he?

These doubts nag at me all day, all through school. Adam doesn't say anything else about it other than telling me to be careful and not jump into something that will get my heart broken again. At lunch I hear Owen and Bianca saying they should call Fitz and how they feel bad for not being around for him after he got out of juvie, but they never say anything to me about having dinner with him tonight. By the time I get home to do my homework I consider calling Mark to break the date. I'm still doing homework and rolling over whether or not to break the date when Mom knocks on my door.

"Dinner will be ready in ten," Mom tells me.

"Actually I have dinner plans, I'll be home by curfew and I need to take the truck," I inform her.

"Oh dinner plans with who?" Mom questions.

"Whom, and I'm having dinner with Mark. I should be getting ready," I tell her.

"Mark who?" Mom asks not leaving my room.

"Mark Fitzgerald," I reply.

"The boy that threatened Eli with a knife?"

"Yes Mom but he's not that guy anymore, he's different. He's Christian, he goes to church every week, he's got a steady job, he's mature and responsible," I tell her.

"Well why isn't he picking you up for this date? He is not what I meant by you can do better, this is worse," Mom snaps a little.

"Mom it's dinner, it's not a date I'm going to have dinner with someone I consider to be a friend and he is much better than Eli. Now please leave my room so I can get ready," I insist pushing her out of my room.

I lock the door and go to my closet, a renewed determination to have dinner with Fitz if only to piss off my mom. I wonder how many impetuous decisions were made out of simple teenage rebellion? After looking through my closet a little I pull out a cerulean blue dress and a black sweater and I wear black flats. After checking my hair and makeup in the washroom I grab my purse and go downstairs.

"Clare home by curfew, one minute late and I call the cops," Mom warns me.

"I'll be home by curfew Mom," I groan in annoyance and go out to the truck.

I drive to Mark's apartment building and find the guest parking then find my way back to his apartment and knock on the door. Fitz opens it and smiles at me, stepping aside so that I can get in.

"You look beautiful," Mark smiles and I find myself blushing a little.

"Thanks, sorry I'm a little early my mom sort of threw a fit when she found out I was having dinner with you and I wanted to be out of there," I tell him.

"Don't apologize I'm glad you came over early. Set your purse anywhere, I'm still making dinner. Can I get you something to drink?" Mark offers locking the door.

"Just water is fine thanks," I reply setting my purse next to the sofa and going into the kitchen to watch him cook. "Where's Jayson and Starr?" I inquire as he hands me a glass of water.

"Mrs. Hardin is watching them, she goes to my church and she just lives a couple of blocks over," he replies.

"Mark I came tonight but I'm wondering where this is going? That is I just broke up with Eli yesterday and you lost your wife just a couple of months ago. I don't know if either of us is ready for another relationship, not to mention that you have kids and I didn't imagine kids in my future for a long time. Jayson and Starr are great but I'm still in high sch…"

"Clare stop," Mark interrupts me as he's stirring sauce of some kind, "tonight is just dinner. I lost Meghan two months, three weeks and two days ago. I miss her like crazy and I will always love her but she wants me to be happy and she knows how I felt about you, how I still feel about you. I asked you to dinner tonight because I felt what I always feel with, I still like you, still have feelings for you but tonight is just dinner. I'm not asking you to marry me or even be my girlfriend; I just want to be your friend, to have you around because you Clare are my human element. Yeah you remind me of Meghan, or rather she reminded me of you but I'm not trying to replace Meghan I never could. I feel better when I'm with you, happier and I like having that whether we become involved or stay friends forever."

I smile and bite my lip, blushing a little, "I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me. I feel the same way, I loved being with you yesterday and with your kids. I like being here. You make me feel good and happy; it's like…like you fill a whole I didn't know was there."

Fitz grins and I see him blushing a bit himself which makes me smile even more. "You're welcome here anytime Clare, Jayson and Starr really liked you; they aren't usually so easy with new people. Dinner's almost ready could you set the table?"

I nod and get down dishes, Mark made a wonderful meal and we talk the whole time. I help him clean up and the only time we touch is when I hug him goodbye but our time together was more intimate than any make out session I ever had with Eli. Mark walks me to my car and we exchange phone numbers, Mark gets in his car to go pick up the twins and I get in my car to drive home. Mom asks me how dinner was and I simply tell her that it was a very nice dinner with a friend. I do remember my dream about Mark that night and go to school with a smile on my face the next morning.

"So how was dinner with Fitz last night?" Adam inquires catching up to me as I walk to my locker. I would answer but Eli suddenly appears in front of me like some gothic apparition and I jump slightly.

"You had dinner with Fitz last night?" He growls.

"Yes I had dinner with a friend and it's not your business Eli," I snap back and link my arm with Adam's to walk to my locker.

"My dinner was great Fitz was wonderful, we have a sort of connection," I tell Adam and he gives me a look, "we're just friends Adam," I tell him with a smile. _"For now anyway."_


	2. The Heart Can Heal

**Welcome to the second and final chapter. There's a bit of jumping povs and jumping through time but it was necessary to cover everything that I wanted to.**

**Ch. 2 The Heart Can Heal**

**(FITZ)**

I ring the bell at the Martin-Edwards house and Clare's stepbrother Jake answers the door. Clare and I have been hanging out for two months; I guess you could say that we're dating although I haven't actually asked her on a date yet. We've just been spending a lot of time together, she comes to my apartment for dinner or she comes on my day off and we take the twins out. She even babysat once when Mrs. Pierce got sick. Jayson and Starr love her, I make sure they know their mom but they've become very attached to Clare.

"Hey Fitz shell be right down," Jake tells me.

"Thanks," I grin.

The reactions even to me and Clare just hanging out have been many and quite varied. I expected Eli to have a bad reaction, and he did, I also thought Adam would flip. Actually Adam's been more accepting than anyone, at first he wasn't too sure about the whole thing but Clare invited him to dinner at my apartment. He came over saw the apartment, met Jayson and Starr and watched Clare and I, since then he's been happy that Clare and I have each other. Owen and Bianca were happy and I've reconnected with them, Drew's been happy for us too. Clare's family has been less accepting, not that they hate me or anything but they've been leery I guess of my spending so much time with Clare. Not that I blame them after all I was a school bully and went to juvie I even stalked Clare a little. Then I fell in love and got married really young and I'm a single dad with 4 month old twins, if I was Clare's family I'd be leery of me too.

"Hi Mark," Clare smiles coming down the stairs, "bye Jake I'll call if I need a ride."

"You look nice," I grin when we're in my car and Clare smiles. I'm picking her up straight from work so I'm still dressed for it. The twins are at the church daycare since they're old enough to attend now. She tells me about school that day while on the way to the church, I park and we go in. I introduce Clare to the staff and we get the twins, and their stuff, into the car. Jayson sleeps all the way home while Starr babbles all the way home, she and Clare actually have an engaging conversation, of course nothing Starr says is actually a word but it sounds pretty close. When we get back to the apartment I pick up Jayson's carrier and Clare gets Starr's, she also gets one of the diaper bags. It's a lot easier to do this with two people because balancing two diaper bags on your shoulders, two babies in carriers in your hands and trying to punch elevator buttons and unlock doors is a tricky task. I'm pretty good at it now but it's still nice to have the help.

"I'll feed them dinner, you can change and relax a bit or shower. I'll watch them and you can take a nice long shower," Clare offers when we're in my apartment.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" I tease her.

"No you smell very nice but I know you almost never get to take long showers because you're usually here alone, and listening to the baby monitors. With me here you can take a long shower because I can watch Jayson and Starr, they are very comfortable with me now and they like me so you can relax," Clare assures me and I smile wide. I'm so happy I almost kiss her out of instinct but manage to refrain.

"Thanks, a long shower sounds great. You know where everything is?" I ask her.

"It's not my first time here; I have watched them for an entire day once. Go shower, we'll be just fine," Clare says to me and then picks up Starr from her carrier. Starr smiles and grips Clare's top and curling her fingers in Clare's curls. "We'll be just fine won't we Starr? We'll have a nice dinner with Jayson while Daddy relaxes," Clare says to Starr and my gorgeous daughter babbles back happily in response.

"Be good for Clare, both of you. I'll be out in a bit," I smile kissing Starr's head and walking back to my bedroom.

I grin at the picture of my wife hanging on the wall near the window. It was the first picture I ever took of Meghan; I took it with my phone right outside of church. She's laughing and the sun is behind her, it gives her an angelic glow, a sort of halo behind her hair. To this day it's one of my favorite pictures of her. After she died a few of the people at church had the picture enlarged and framed for the service. I took it home and hung it in that spot; I wake up to it every morning and blow her a kiss, and do the same every night before bed.

"I miss you Meghan, every day I feel your loss and I still love you so much. You're the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes and of course our beautiful kids. I see more of you in them every day. My love for you will never die Meghan but my feeling for Clare grow deeper every day, I'm so happy when I'm with her, when I think about her. I wish you could have met her; you really would have liked her," I say to my wife's portrait and blow her a kiss before going into the shower.

I stay in the shower until the water turns cold, since becoming a single father my showers, meals and sleep have become short and grabbing them when I can. It feels really good to be able to stay in the shower and not be listening to a baby monitor. I even take my time getting dried off and dressed, when I come out to the living room clean and dressed Clare is feeding Jayson and Starr. She's sitting between their two high chairs and taking turns feeding them. They're both smiling and half covered in their food, which they always are.

"Aaablll maman bloo," Starr babbles happily when she sees me.

"I completely agree Starr Clare is very good with you both and she should be around more often," I grin and Clare smiles.

I sit down and help Clare finish feeding the twins and then we bathe them and give them a bottle before putting them to bed. I turn on the baby monitor and we go out to the kitchen, Clare helps me make dinner and then we sit down to eat.

"Starr and Jayson are really great; I can't believe how big they've gotten in the last couple of months. They grow so fast and Starr will be talking pretty soon," Clare gushes over my kids as we're eating.

"Yeah she never stops cooing and babbling, why do I get the feeling she'll be one of these teenage girls that can never stop talking," I laugh.

"Yeah I think once she can start talking with real words you'll never hear the end of it. But you know I think you'll be thrilled and you'll never get tired of it because her voice will remind me of Meghan," Clare comments and I smile.

"Yeah, it's amazing how much I miss her and still love her but how much of her I see in Jayson and Starr," I reply with a sad fond smile thinking about Meghan. We're silent for a few minutes, just eating and enjoying each other's company. "So are you going to prom in a couple of weeks?"

"I thought I'd skip it this year, last year was a disaster and besides I really don't have a great track record with dances at DeGrassi," Clare remarks.

"Well if you really aren't going would you like to go out with me that night? On an actual date away from the apartment and the twins, we've been spending a lot of time together as friends which has been incredible but I would like to take you out."

Clare bites her lip, blushing just slightly and looking down at her hand holding her fork, "I'd love that."

**(CLARE)**

I look in the mirror futzing with my hair and checking my makeup for the fourth time since getting dressed. I've never been so nervous for a date, not even my very first date ever with K.C. or my first date with Eli made me this nervous. I don't primp this much when I'm just going to hang out with Fitz but tonight is different it's a date, a real date not just hanging out at the apartment or taking the kids out. And he didn't blackmail me into this date either. I'm really excited for this date, I really like Fitz and my feelings have been getting stronger the more time I spend with him.

I picked out a navy blue knee length dress with thick strap sleeves and a sweetheart neckline. It has an empire waist and a white sash with long ends. I'm bringing a white sweater, in case the evening turns cold, and white flats. I'm of course wearing my cross, abstinence ring and silver earrings shaped like flowers.

When the doorbell rings I practically fly down the stairs. Jake's at prom and Mom and Glen are out so no one's here to let Fitz in. Alli and Jenna couldn't believe I wasn't going to prom, neither could Jake but I'll be much happier on a nice date with Fitz than at a prom trying to avoid Eli.

"You look amazing," Fitz grins when I open the door.

"Thanks you look very handsome," I grin kissing his cheek. He's wearing black slacks and a short sleeve button up dark green shirt that's untucked.

Fitz offers me his arm and we go to his car, he opens the door for me and we get in. Fitz drives us down to a restaurant overlooking Woodbine Park. Fitz talks about Jayson and Starr over dinner, it's all we talk about but I don't mind I like seeing the proud dad in him. He gets such a joyful inflection in his voice when talking about his kids, even when he's talking about them crying all night or being stressed out because of them. He pays for dinner and then we go walking through the park holding hands and watching the sunset. We don't talk much but we don't need to we're happy to be together. We sit under a tree to watch the last of the sunset and then look at the stars, Fitz puts his arm around me and I lean against him looking at the stars. I feel so good with him, so relaxed and cared for, I love being with Fitz and just possibly I could fall in love with him. As much as he likes being with me I'm not sure he feels the same way.

"Mark," I venture turning to look at him.

"Mmmhmm?" He asks looking down at me.

"I know how much you miss Meghan, how much you were in love with her and how much you always be. I'd never want to take that from you or diminish it in anyway but I really like you, I care about you and I'm always happy when I'm with you. I really want to have a relationship with but only if you're ready, I know it hasn't been that long since you lost Meghan and I'll understand if you're not ready yet. I'm not going anywhere and I'll wait until you are ready," I tell him Fitz smiles and brushes the back of his fingers across my cheeks.

"Things like that are why you are such an amazing person Clare. I do love Meghan and I always will, she'll always have a special place in my heart and I'll treasure our time together forever. She's with God now and she's watching me and Jayson and Starr, she wants us to be happy and we're happy with you. I'm especially happy with you and the kids love you and I would like to be with you Clare as more than just friends," Fitz grins and cups my face to give me a tender kiss.

It's a kiss of passion and happiness and excitement of a new relationship. We continue kissing for several minutes and only pull away for need of air. We watch the stars a short time longer before getting up and walking slowly back to the car. Fitz drives me home, walking me to the door and giving me a soft but passionate kiss at my door.

"I can come over tomorrow when I get up if you'd like," I tell him keeping my arms around his neck because I don't want him to go.

"I'd like that, I'll see you in the morning girlfriend," Fitz grins giving me another kiss.

I wave to Fitz before going upstairs, I say hi to Mom and Glen and go upstairs. I start getting ready for bed and Fitz calls when he's home, we talk for just a few minutes while he gets the kids ready for bed. I say goodnight, finish getting ready for bed and fall asleep happy, happy thinking about Fitz! Can you believe it?

**(FITZ)**

I wake to Jayson pulling at the bedspread, it's only 4am and they are never awake this early. It's probably the day; a day that should be very joyous is and will always be tainted with sadness. It's both the twin's birthday and the day I lost my wife. One year ago today I was blessed with the amazing gift of Jayson and Starr and my wife was taken from me, my first true love and if not the only great love of my life one of the most amazing.

I pick Jayson up and set him on the bed, he crawls around a bit lying next to me and I smile at him. Having them makes the loss of Meghan a little easier. My wonderful kids and Clare too, we've been together seven months now and I'm deeply in love. I haven't told her yet but I know it. As much as I know it today is hard, it's only four hours into the day and I already feel a weight on my chest, a hollowness and heaviness surrounds me because Meghan isn't here. The twins are a year old today and Meghan's been gone for a year. It's hard to believe it's been a year, I never thought I'd make it a day without her, I was living only for Jayson and Starr but now it's been a year.

"Come on let's go see if your sister's up and we'll have breakfast. You're birthday party isn't until Saturday but we should probably do something to celebrate the fact that you guys are a year old today," I comment walking into their room.

"Daddy," Jayson says loud enough it wakes up his sister.

"Yes Buddy it's your birthday you know."

"Daddy sleepy," Starr complains.

"Sorry Baby Girl you want to go back to sleep?"

"No want up," she says reaching out her arms.

I pick her up and balance one baby on each hip taking them out to the living room where I set them down. As soon as they could crawl Clare and Adam helped me baby proof the apartment. Starr lies on the floor and Jayson sits in front of the toy chest pulling out toys. I make them a snack and give them some juice while I put on coffee for myself. I'd like to say I was strong for my kids and kept a smile on my face talking only of their birthday all day. As soon as the kids are eating and I've poured myself some coffee I sit on the sofa I burst into tears. I lean over propping my elbows on my legs and letting my head fall into my hands. Jayson and Starr stop eating and come over to me, Jayson walks he started walking two months ago. Starr walks a couple of steps and crawls the rest, she began talking first. She said Dada at six months but she only started walking a month ago.

"Daddy why cry?" Jayson asks.

"Daddy don't be sad," Starr says as they climb on the sofa and hug me.

"I'm sad because I miss Mommy, I love your mommy very much and I miss her a lot but especially today."

"We love Mommy," Starr tells me.

"I know you do, why don't we watch the video of her," I suggest and they cheer.

I get up and turn on the DVD player putting in the movie of Meghan, it's a lot of pictures, and all the bits of video I have of her put together with music. One of the guys at church did it for me after she died, along with the many pictures it's all we have of her and the only way Jayson and Starr have to know their mother. We watch the movie, which is an hour long, three times and then my phone rings.

"Morning Clare," I answer but without the usual cheer in my voice.

"Hi I didn't wake you up did I?"

"No Jayson woke me up at four."

"I know today's a hard day, I can come over if you'd like and help with the twins. And help you honor Meghan and the twin's birthday. Of course if you'd rather not see me today I'll understand," Clare says.

"No I want to see you and I'll definitely need your help today, we haven't even eaten yet can you come over now?"

"I'll bring breakfast," she replies and hangs up.

I smile and set down the phone, hugging my kids close as we watch their mom on the screen. Clare arrives a short time later; she has breakfast from The Dot and we sit at the table to eat. Clare suggests we do some of Meghan's favorite things today to honor her and we can have cake and ice cream to celebrate Jayson and Starr's birthday. We're having a party at the rec room of the church on Saturday; most of the kids from their preschool will be there, along with many people from church as well as Clare and Adam. I like the idea of doing things Meghan liked to do so I mention going to church to pray, walking through the sand at the beach and dancing under the stars.

After breakfast Clare cleans up while I get dressed and then we both get the kids dressed and ready. We go to the church and say a prayer for Meghan, then we drive down to the beach. Clare holds Jayson and I hold Starr while we walk along the beach and dip our feet in the water. I spend the whole walk talking about Meghan, how much I miss her and everything I loved about her. We walk all the way down the beach and back again.

"Daddy hungry," Starr says when we're walking back to the car.

"Me too we should get lunch did Meghan have a favorite restaurant?" Clare asks.

"She always liked Swiss Chalet," I reply and Clare smiles.

"Great I love Swiss Chalet," she says.

We walk back to the car and I drive into the nearest Swiss Chalet to eat. We talk about what to do after lunch since it won't be dark for several hours. Clare suggests we take the kids to the park, pick some wild flowers and take them to Meghan's grave. I think it's a great idea so after we eat we go to Jimmie Simpson park, we let Jayson and Starr run around and play for a while, we chase them and dig with them in the sand. Then we go into the field and let the kids pick some flowers, we put them together in a bouquet and Clare holds them as I drive to the cemetery where Meghan is buried. I park near her grave and we walk to it.

"Fwowers Mommy," Jayson says taking the flowers from Clare and setting the flowers on front of the headstone.

Everyone at church helped pay for the headstone, it's simple and elegant. Pink granite and an angel with outstretched wings is carved on the top. Under that is a small oval picture of Meghan. The inscription reads **A caring and beautiful soul taken too soon. Taken back to God after giving the gift of two beautiful children. **They asked me what I wanted on the headstone but at the time I was too overcome with grief to even think about it so our pastor chose, I think he did a good job.

"Love you so lots Mommy," Starr says and kisses the headstone.

I watch my daughter do this and my eyes fill with tears as my heart breaks. All they have of their mom is a few pictures and videos; the closest they can come to touching her is touching her headstone. I feel Meghan's loss every day but at least I got to know her, to hold her and touch her and talk to her. Jayson and Starr will never have that privilege. There's a permanent hole and emptiness in me left by Meghan's death but I know why it's there. I'm sure Jayson and Starr have the same emptiness and the same hole but do they understand why it's there?

I turn away to wipe my eyes, but Clare grabs my arm.

"Don't turn away, if you're sad then cry but don't turn away. You loved Meghan, you still do and always will you should be sad but let them see it. They already know you're sad so let them see it," Clare encourages.

"I'm glad you're here, I don't think I could have made it today without you. I know Jayson and Starr appreciate it too and I know Meghan does too," I smile and kiss her cheek and she grins.

"Does Mommy love us in Heaven?" Starr asks.

"Yes Starr your Mommy loves you always and she watches you and Jayson and Daddy from Heaven," Clare tells her and I smile. Not just what she says but the how she says it, her kind and nurturing nature.

"And you Clare, Mommy watches you too," Starr adds.

"That's right Starr Mommy watches Clare too," I grin picking Starr up in my arms and kissing my daughter.

"Clare loves us like Mommy?" Jayson asks walking over to her and holding his arms up to say he wants to be picked up.

Clare grins and picks up Jayson kissing his cheek, "Yes I do, I love you and Starr very much. Should we say a prayer for your Mommy?"

"Yes," Jason nods grabbing my shirt and pulling me closer to them, "pray Daddy."

I smile and hold Clare's hand, she holds Jayson and I hold Starr and I say a prayer for Meghan. Jayson and Starr blow kisses and I say my own silent prayer and tell Meghan I love her before we leave. We go back to the apartment for dinner but I stop at the store for cake and ice cream. We all eat dinner around the table, Clare watches the movie of Meghan with us before we have cake and ice cream, I don't light candles but we do sing Happy Birthday to them. By the end of dessert Starr and Jayson are wearing more cake and ice cream than they've eaten. Clare and I give them a bath and get them ready for bed then clean the kitchen.

"You know it's dark outside now, we could put Jayson and Starr into their stroller and go dance under the stars. It won't be the same as dancing with Meghan but I hope I'm okay," Clare comments.

"I'm sure you'll be great, we better get their jackets," I reply.

We bundle the kids up, we only go down to the little courtyard of the apartment building. I park the stroller and hold my hands out to Clare, we dance under the stars and I look up at them. Maybe it's the moonlight, or the stars, or the day we've had but I swear I see Meghan looking down on us and smiling.

"You know I think Meghan sent you to us, I think she made sure we'd be in the park together that day," I remark.

"I think she did," Clare smiles.

After a couple of dances we stop and go back upstairs, it's time for the kids to go to bed so we put them down. Clare stays with me in the living room, listening as I talk about Meghan for the hundredth time that day. Clare just smiles and listens to me, her hand rubbing my arm in a comforting way any time I sound sad.

"Well it's after ten and I really need to get home since I should go to school tomorrow. Thanks for letting me spend the day with you and honor Meghan I was honored," Clare says as she gets ready to leave.

"We were happy to have you, I needed you today so did Starr and Jayson," I smile and give her a soft kiss. She says goodnight and leaves the apartment, I start to get ready for bed but I my door opens and Starr comes in. "Baby Girl what are you doing up?"

"Thinking about Mommy," she replies as I pick her up and sit on my bed with her in my lap.

"Yeah I know me too; it's good to think about Mommy it keeps her alive in our hearts."

"What do Mommys do?" Starr asks with a yawn.

"A lot of things but the most important is loving their children," I respond.

"You love us Daddy," she says.

"Yes I do very much, so very much," I grin.

"Clare loves us," Starr reminds me.

"Yes she does, Clare loves you and Jayson very much just like Daddy."

"Does Daddy love Clare?"

"Yes I do love Clare," I grin.

"Does Clare love Daddy?"

"I don't know, let's call her and find out," I reply and grab my phone.

"Mark is everything okay?" Clare answers.

"Yeah everything's fine I just wanted to call and tell you that I love you. I love you Clare and I wanted to tell you all day but it just didn't seem like it would be right. I do though I love you," I tell her.

"I love you too Mark," Clare says and I can hear the smile on her lips.

"Yay Clare loves Daddy!" Starr claps. "Can Clare be our Earth Mommy?"

"Earth Mommy?" I ask and hear Clare giggle.

"Mommy is Heaven Mommy and Clare Earth Mommy," Starr explains and I smile.

"Maybe one day but for now she loves us and that's what's important," I tell Starr.

"Okay," Starr yawns and makes herself comfortable in my bed.

"I should have told you sooner I don't know why I waited," I tell Clare.

"It's okay I was afraid to tell you too, afraid that you would think it was too soon or realize you could never love again after Meghan," Clare says.

"Meghan wants me to be happy, she wants Starr and Jayson to be happy and you make us happy. When I was with Meghan I thought I was lucky to have her love and was sure I'd never find another love like that. Nothing will replace or take away from what Meghan and I had but I know I love you and I know I'm happy with you."

"I know I love you too and I'm excited to see what our future together holds."

"Me too," I grin sitting back on the bed and rubbing my sleeping daughters back, "me too. I know it will be great as long as we're all together."


End file.
